We’re talking about the world’s biggest auctions here, not the world’s biggest idiots. Oh wait, apparently since a fried plantain with the alleged face of the Grinch on it is up for sale, then I suppose we are talking about the world’s biggest idiots.

However, perhaps I should hold my tongue, as this is no ordinary variety of plantain. It was grown in the Philippines where they practice Pangkukulam;  a type of voodoo. So actually, just when I thought this was ridiculous, I realize now that voodoo in the soil provides a perfectly logical explanation for this $200 double-faced plantain.

Click here if you’ve got money to fry. 

With only $100 you can increase your life force by at least two, maybe three levels. That’s right, you can measure life force levels by taking pictures with neat cameras. Well, at least you can according to this auctioneer. They claim their Tesla Purple Energy Pod produces a higher life force, supporting healthier cell structures and helps eliminate sickness and fatigue.

It’s so powerful that the technology can only be referred to as “fourth generation” and “purple.”

Probably a rip off, but go ahead and click on the nice picture anyway.  

I’m not sure if this piece is weird for the sake of weird, or simply an expression by the creator stating “I’m weird.” This is a conglomeration of 13 color television monitors, two video-disc consoles, a video recorder and a viewing monitor all in the general shape of a dog.

This might be worth the $50,000 asking price if you could program it for viewing your favorite games, but it only plays rapidly streaming socio-political iconography with animated canine imagery on each monitor. The only way this thing should be considered cool is if there’s a “big-brother is watching” commentary attached or you have a hip, retro politically orientated bar or lounge to place this conversation starter.

If you’ve got more ducats than Scrooge McDuck, then click through and bid.

You now have permission to blow someone’s house up! How cool is that? How often do you get to wake up in the morning, clear the sleepers from your eyes, and think to yourself, “I’m going to blow up a house in broad daylight and finally not get arrested for it”?

As nuts as this sounds, there’s actually some logic behind it. The owner of the house is going to build new construction on the site, and has found a way to possibly earn some money for something he needs done anyway. As the auctioneer suggests, a film producer could save some money blowing up this existing house instead of building a set. Either way, it’s just fun to blow things up.

Click through to blow this popsicle stand.

In a perfect world, we could all throw our money away to buy rubber-band balls for world peace, stopping hunger, and according to this auctioneer, providing a fresh start for someone whose brain-cell count has now dipped to an alarming level. If selling a rubber-band ball is all they can think of to remedy their situation, then yes, I suppose they do need something fresh in their life.

The auctioneer claims that $10,000 is nothing to spend on such an item when you have bankroll like David Letterman or Jay Leno. Well, I’m almost positive they didn’t get to be as famous as they are by displaying the exact same decision making as, oh, let’s say a cat in this situation.

Either way, click through and bid to prove to your friend just how rich you are.

Forget all the hassles of parenting — the late-night bed wetting, the emotional support through the terrible teen years, teaching them life’s lessons — and employ the lifetime services of an English virtual nanny for $1.5 million!

Available through webcam, e-mail and telephone, this person will tend to your flock for you. It’s amazing, with cloning capabilities where they’re at now, paired with this virtual childcare, parents may very well never need to be a part of their children’s lives again.

Put your responsibilities on a computer, bid here.

Oh yeah! It’s beaver time folks! As part of our uber popular Log & Stick Series, we have for you a 100 percent authentic, genuine branch that has not only been bitten by a beaver, but has been stripped of its bark with the skill of a surgeon’s hand. I mean, can you believe what that could do for lowering the cost of health care, employing beaver surgeons?

You may want to brace yourself for this one ladies and gents, this wasn’t bitten by any ol’ regular beaver either. No Sireee! This is the work of a bona fide Oregon State beaver! You can tell because the bite size is so petite and actually has the same exact bite pattern as humans…which leaves me to wonder which would be worse, a person with enough free time to bite through branches and sell them, or a beaver that would leave such beautiful work behind.

Click through and get some beaver stick!

This is absolutely NOT a farce! Yes folks, the power to travel through time is just a bid away. From the bowels of the universe comes the key to travel to 20 years from now to see if you’ll have a mid-life crisis, or to five minutes ago when you let one rip at work and didn’t think it was going to smell so foul — the flux capacitor!

And whatever you do, don’t worry about the picture being blurry, the auctioneer claims to have done so on purpose, in the name of government-level security and importance. It only requires a nanosecond to understand that this flux capacitor is worth 225 big ones. Just think of Biff and the money he won betting on games he already knew the outcome to. Oh, the riches to be had!

Click through to bid on your future…literally.

Thats right, you can buy Mary Carey’s recently removed silicon breast implants! Mary Carey, the former California gubernatorial candidate and star of the upcoming VH1 show “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” is giving holiday shoppers an opportunity to purchase her famous jugs. So for all you guys that have fantasized about adult film stars, get these for your lady and make your darkest desires possible.

A “portion” of the proceeds will be benefiting the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. How much that will be who knows!

View the Auction

This seller insists he ate a peach for breakfast back in 2005, and an image of an angel was left on his paper plate. We kid you not. Now he wants $777, 000.00 for the plate.

The seller hurries to inform buyers that the angel is two inches in diameter and that since finding this angel on his paper plate he has had dreams wherein he is surrounded by three angels. We just hope those angels were protecting him because it sounds a little fishy to us. Of course this seller has found god since his paper-plate-angel epiphany, so he would never try to scam anyone. Go ahead, check it out for yourself.

Unbelievable. Someone put up for auction a genuine wooden log. Yeah, a piece of wood. There are three funny things about this:

The description:

I present for your consideration this log. Although new to the log collecting community, I was fortunate enough to acquire this log from a venerable collector/dealer. I believe he received the log from the original owner.

It should be noted that this log is a genuine wooden log, and to the best of my knowledge, comes from a tree. I have been told that similar logs have been sold at auction for prices up to and even exceeding forty-two or forty-three dollars.

The log is available for pick-up in the Los Angeles area, or will be shipped to your location in appropriate air-cushioned, double boxed packaging.

The comments:

Question & Answer Answered On
Q: How old is this log you are selling? Dec-03-07
A: If you are referring to the age of the tree from which this log originated, it appears to be between 29 to 31 years (fairly young for a log). If you are…more
Q: Will this log work with Windows XP? Dec-03-07
A: That is a silly question. Nothing works with Windows XP. Thanks for your interest. Brenton
Q: HI. IS THIS LOG IN GOOD CONDITION FOR IT’S AGE, OR DOES IT HAVE “ISSUES”. THANKS Dec-03-07
A: By “issues”, I assume you are referring to insect infestation, dry rot, or other log related afflictions. Based on the two appraisals I have c…more
Q: Is the log made of firewood? if not, do you have any firewood logs? Dec-02-07
A: Hello - I’m not familiar with “fire” wood. Although new to the log collecting community, I have heard stories about wealthy collectors…more
Q: Does it work? Nov-29-07
A: Yes, the photos in the listing are of the actual log being auctioned, not catalog shots. You are seeing the log in use in these photos. Thank you for…more

And finally, of course, the fact that someone purchased it for $4.11 plus $18 shipping and handling. Wow. Check out this wooden log.